ROYAL AUSTRALIAN NAVY COMMUNICATIONS BRANCH ASSOCIATION
Nelson: Order the Signal Hardy
Hardy: Aye, aye Sir
Nelson: Hold on! That’s not what I dictated to Flags! What’s the meaning of this?
Hardy: Sorry Sir?
Nelson: (Reading Aloud) England expects every person to do his or her duty regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability!
What gobbledegook is this?
Hardy: Admiralty policy, I’m afraid Sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the Devil’s own job of getting ‘England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist.
Nelson: Gadzooks Hardy. Hand me my pipe and baccy!
Hardy: Sorry Sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.
Nelson: In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle!
Hardy: The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the government’s policy on binge drinking.
Nelson: Good heavens Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with then – full speed ahead.
Hardy: I think that you’ll find there’s a four knot speed limit in this stretch of water.
Nelson: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest please.
Hardy: That won’t be possible, Sir.
Hardy: Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest Sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
Nelson: Then get me the chippy without delay Hardy.
Hardy: He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the focsle, Admiral.
Nelson: Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd!
Hardy: Health and safety again, Sir. We have to provide a barrier free environment for the differently abled.
Nelson: Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye, and I refuse even to hear mention of the word! I didn’t rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card!
Hardy: Actually Sir, you did. The Pusser is under-represented in the areas of visual-impairment and limb-deficiency.
Nelson: Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.
Hardy: A couple of problems there too, Sir. Health and safety won’t let the ship’s company up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?
Nelson: But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil!
Hardy: I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that, Sir. You’ll be up on your own defaulters list!
Nelson: You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King!
Hardy: Not anymore, Sir. We must be inclusive in this multi-cultural age. Now put on your Kevlar stab-proof vest; it’s the rules. It could save your life …