SCRIPT:     Battle of Trafalgar c: 2009-02-24

Nelson:            Order the Signal Hardy

Hardy:             Aye, aye Sir

Nelson:            Hold on! That’s not what I dictated to Flags!  What’s the meaning of this?

Hardy:             Sorry Sir?

Nelson:           (Reading Aloud) England expects every person to do his or her duty regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability!

                        What gobbledegook is this?

Hardy:             Admiralty policy, I’m afraid Sir.  We’re an equal opportunities employer now.  We had the Devil’s own job of getting ‘England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist.

Nelson:           Gadzooks Hardy. Hand me my pipe and baccy!

Hardy:             Sorry Sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.

Nelson:           In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle!

Hardy:             The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral.  It’s part of the government’s policy on binge drinking.

Nelson:           Good heavens Hardy.  I suppose we’d better get on with then – full speed ahead.

Hardy:             I think that you’ll find there’s a four knot speed limit in this stretch of water.

Nelson:           Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.  We must advance with all dispatch.  Report from the crow’s nest please.

Hardy:             That won’t be possible, Sir.

Nelson:           What?

Hardy:             Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest Sir.  No harness; and they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations.  They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.

Nelson:           Then get me the chippy without delay Hardy.

Hardy:             He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the focsle, Admiral.

Nelson:           Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd!

Hardy:             Health and safety again, Sir.  We have to provide a barrier free environment for the differently abled.

Nelson:           Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye, and I refuse even to hear mention of the word! I didn’t rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card!

Hardy:             Actually Sir, you did.  The Pusser is under-represented in the areas of visual-impairment and limb-deficiency.

Nelson:           Whatever next? Give me full sail.  The salt spray beckons.

Hardy:             A couple of problems there too, Sir. Health and safety won’t let the ship’s company up the rigging without hard hats.  And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?

Nelson:           But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil!

Hardy:             I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that, Sir.  You’ll be up on your own defaulters list!

Nelson:           You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King!

Hardy:             Not anymore, Sir.  We must be inclusive in this multi-cultural age.  Now put on your Kevlar stab-proof vest; it’s the rules.  It could save your life …